Gifting Our Children with Strength
By Troy Dorrell
Parenting is one of the most difficult and challenging responsibilities in the world. However, when parenting is well executed in love and by following biblical principles, there is no greater joy than to see your children walk in truth as they grow older.
That same joy can also be enjoyed during the process while little ones are still at home, but many parents forfeit this ability to enjoy their children while young and endure far too much strife and anxiety in the home. Instead of rest and peace, the home with small children can feel like a battle zone, where there is no control, no order, and no calm.
Demanding children, running parents ragged with their indulgent behavior, is something I have witnessed all too often. The chain of command and biblical authority is being turned on its head when children seem to dictate the terms and determine how things are done. Sadly, it is all too descriptive of many households.
“Train up a child in the way he should go:
and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
The Bible tells us parents that we are to train up our children, strongly implying that the adults are the ones who are to be determining what is to be done, how it is to be done, and when it is to be done. Doing things decently and in order isn’t just a description of how the church is to conduct itself, but also parents in the home.
Small children should be able to put away and share their toys, sit quietly while adults talk, go to bed and stay there at a time determined by the parents, and comply with responsible requests when asked, doing so the first time.
Children are going to be full of life, noisy, make mistakes, and do things they shouldn’t. Much of that is acceptable and just part of growing up. However, outbursts, defiance, acting out, demanding behavior, rudeness, failing to reply to requests, and the inability to control themselves are all reflections of poor parenting, and need to be addressed through training.
Training is the process of modifying or directing behavior toward desired outcomes by drill and instruction. It involves teaching, but requires more than just that. It requires guiding behaviors, such as sitting quietly on the couch for a few minutes with the adult being present at first, requiring and enforcing the behavior they are asking for, extending this time as the child has the capacity to do so, and reinforcing the positive behavior with approval. It is simply helping the child to build a capacity for self restraint.
Training a child to overcome self indulgence and cultivate self mastery should be primary goals in parenting the young. A failure to do this penalizes and handicaps the child for life, as they will struggle with overcoming any indulgent tendencies as they grow older.
Overeating, lashing out with their tongues, angry outbursts, and inability to cooperate are all signs that training is lacking. Showing deference, or demonstrating maturity in any area of temperance will be impossible for a child without the needed training. All we have to do is turn on the news, or look at ourselves in the mirror, to realize self-mastery is something we all need to continue to work on.
But, part of parenting is helping to provide restraint for indulgent-natured small children until they develop the internal capacity necessary to restrain themselves. Children have the full blown capacity to be indulgent from birth, however, it takes a lifetime of ongoing work to fully develop temperance in our adult lives.
So, good parenting has so many benefits. It gives young children a head start, it makes for a more peaceful and happy home. It allows for parents to take their children out in public and enjoy them. It also provides a greater measure of safety, as children learn to respond to requests quickly, perhaps keeping them from a busy street or harmful objects simply by asking them to stop.
It begins by mom and dad realizing an indulgent nature resides in themselves. And, before we can expect a level of self-mastery and compliance in a young child, we have to better cultivate it in ourselves. Training is difficult and time-consuming work, and that places demands on the adult. For the most part, we can only pass along what we possess ourselves. Follow through and persistence are prerequisites in guiding indulgent children.
But, if you can pull yourselves up to the task (as with running or any other disciplined exercise), it gets easier as you go. The results will be worth it, and both you and your child will benefit when training becomes a way of life.